Depressed and unstable, I went home this past Friday and checked my social calendar (Read: OkCupid) to see if there was anyone to spend time with. Empty. I slumped into my desk chair and made two (yes, two) microwave pizzas.
I took one long drink of my vodka and said that I would love to know his first impression on me. I mean, one of the best things about going on dates with people is you get to learn things about yourself that maybe no one else could have showed you. So, yes. I wanted to hear what this stranger thought about me.
Kim agreed to meet me for a drink at a NYC bar that insisted on having no name and an unwritten dress code rule that men should wear suspenders. I wore a belt; like an adult.
A while back a friend made a suggested If a lady says she is interested in something. Say for instance Post-apocalyptic science fiction, I should show my communal interest in that.
That following is a message I sent that received no reply:
Jews represent 0.2% of the world population. Assuming this is split 50/50 among men and women (it isn’t) I am left with 0.1% of the population. Since half of those people live in Israel, and many of them are too young or too old, I have statistically dated more than my share of Jews.
This could go one of two ways, he is either one of those Italian Americans who doesn’t speak Italian but knows the salutations and profanities OR he is straight-off-the-boat, and doesn’t speak any English. Either way I lose.
Here I was: 30 years old, shaving my own back and wishing, if only for a moment, that I had a wife. A wife who loved me so unconditionally that this basic grooming ritual would not appall her. Sure, right now I could handle it, but I am only 30… what will happen 10 years from now, or even five?
Sleeping on the floor did wonders for my backache. It also produced a wonderful clarity of mind and no-nonsense, no-bullshit attitude that I needed to survive the next day and a half. Or maybe I could just see the light at the end of the tunnel now.
Suddenly, I was free of rejection. At the first hint of disinterest, at the first sign of a minorly inconvenient flaw (also known as a “dealbreaker”), I could give up entirely and return my glass to the never-ending tap of moderately attractive okcupid users.
First, she tried to get met to go to fancy Boston eateries; this was doomed to fail. I was living on a part time tire sales job at the time. So suggesting that I pay for food and drinks at an expensive restaurant was misguided. It was either food OR drink, but never both, and I quickly made my decision.