I have always been good at sales. As a kid I would lie, cheat, and steal to get exactly what I wanted. There was no great mystery to this for me, I was effable and eloquent when I wanted to be, with a humorous streak that entertained my peers. I would fail out of classes and then charm teachers into giving me make-up exams or writing letters of recommendation for my college.

Upon arriving in college, my powers of persuasion found a new home in wooing female counterparts. I managed my fair share of relationships with women that frankly should have known better, as regular readers of this blog will no doubt confirm. It was the ability to sell myself as a catch, without lying about the details, that I thought would transfer over into a good career move.

A month ago I left my cushy job that had allowed ample time for blogging to work a 9-6 sales job that made me long for death with every ticking second. Mind you, the job is no worse than the one before, and in fact better than most others I could have gotten, but I do not feel comfortable in a “day job” no matter how well it suits my personality.

Depressed and unstable, I went home this past Friday and checked my social calendar (Read: OkCupid) to see if there was anyone to spend time with. Empty. I slumped into my desk chair and made two (yes, two) microwave pizzas.** Upon completion of this all too common gluttonous ritual, something finally dawned on me. There was another way. I was, after all, a salesman. Surely I could revisit my old leads and find a compatible match.

Crafting the pitch:

1.) Introduction: state their name clearly followed by your name. This shows familiarity and a memory of the person.

“Hi, Christine, this is Zephyr.”

2.) State that this is a follow up: remind the person you had spoken before so as to limit the chances they will walk away, and suggest they had previously shown interest in you, even if they hadn’t. Remember it is always important to confuse the Buyer a little bit in a sales pitch.

“This is a follow up conversation regarding some interest you showed in me the last time we were at this bar. This would have been about January of this year. I believe we were sitting in that booth over there.”

3.) The sales pitch: sell the product.

“When we spoke a few months ago you had said that you found me both funny and intriguing. Well, I am pleased to let you know that I am now also employed downtown, with free nights and weekends. Also I have recently been to a doctor, and it turns out I am STD-free with a certificate to that regard!”

4.) If she mentions she has begun seeing someone else: Offer a FREE review!

“I do offer a FREE review, in case that’s something you would be interested in. At no extra charge I can go over your boyfriend’s good & bad qualities and compare them with mine. I can let you know if you are truly making the right decision, or if perhaps I can offer you something that is a little more to your liking. For instance, you mentioned that your boyfriend does not like to perform oral sex. Now that is a service I throw in on a regular basis with no required reciprocation. I would also like to point out that with me there are no added fees; I pay my own bar tab.”

5.) If she’s not interested, sell her on the free demo version.

“Have I mentioned that I would be available for a one night trial basis? Try me out, if you don’t like me feel free to kick me out, with no additional complaints or whining on my part.”

6.) Offer a guarantee

“As a matter of fact, I am so certain you will love the service that I will buy your first two drinks for you as a sign of good faith and investment in you as an associate.”

7.) If all else fails…

But what if you’ve done all of the above and she still doesn’t want anything to do with you and asks you to leave her alone? Shelve the lead and revisit it again in six months. Sure, her boyfriend may not have disappointed her yet, but he is bound to fuck up eventually, and you can be right there to pester her again when he fails.

*The series on dating Jews will return next week with a triumphant conclusion, unless I again get distracted by something shiny.

**I actually have a system for this. I set the second pizza to microwave while devouring the first, thus wasting no time between pizzas. This does involve the rather unnecessary practice of using two plates, but it is well worth it to skip the Interp

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