Part I: A nice Jewish Girl
What do you have against Jewish girls?” My mother asked me once. The question frankly shocked me. I was brought up Jewish, and while currently an atheist (read: hedonist) I was not aware of any bias against the Jewish females. There was the age old stereotype that Jews hate to give blow jobs, but this is no less true of other women. Whenever a lady tells me that she loves “giving head” I am shocked. I can’t imagine sucking a flesh flavored Popsicle that never melts and whose only reward is… well… not lemon flavored. But I digress.
Jews represent 0.2% of the world population. Assuming this is split 50/50 among men and women (it isn’t) I am left with 0.1% of the population. Since half of those people live in Israel, and many of them are too young or too old, I have statistically dated more than my share of Jews. That is to say, I have dated exactly four Jews. Two full Jews, and four half-Jews, which, if we do the math, gives me exactly four Jews.
I have dated more Jews than I have New York Yankees fans, and I lived in New York City for four years. I think this alone should earn me a medal, or at the very least a World Series ring. Realistically speaking it is hard to date Jewish women because while there are plenty of Jewish atheists (Look up Judaism, it’s a nationality more than a religion) you are unlikely to find them at temple mixers and dances. I could always subscribe to JDate, but there is something ironic about an organization catered to Jews that asks us to spend our hard earned money on dating. So instead I go the simple route for and enter “Jewish,” into my OkCupid filter.
Part II: The Jews of OkCupid
The Jews of OkCupid all seem to have two things in common:
1.) They are into some pretty intense kink.
2.) They want a lot of kids – soon.
Thus creating the great paradox. On the one hand, who doesn’t want to pretend that they are spanking their high school math teacher with a carrot? On the other, I do not want a child (at all really) to be conceived in a weird sex act that involves me putting on my donkey costume and her getting out the 12 inch black strap-on we call LeBron.
There is not a lot weirder or worse than the Jews of Okcupid (present company included) other than the Jewish groupies of Okcupid: Women so obsessed with Jews they have somehow become more Jewish than the guy they are pursuing. I am ashamed to say it, but there was a brief window when I lived in New York that I put down ethnicity “Jewish, and laughing about it” on my profile to see the type of people I attracted. Within a week the number of messages I received tripled, and the women were way more trusting than before I had listed it.
“Oh, you don’t feel like going to a bar, well why don’t I come over to your place instead?” was not uncommon. Apparently, the idea that I could be a serial killer (something David Berkovitz proved we are very much capable of) or someone trying to harvest your organs for cash is no longer a possibility if I am a Jew. When I noticed this pattern I was so euphoric, I started wondering where else this might come in handy. “No IRS auditor I did not ‘screw up’ on my taxes, I am a Jew. We don’t do that.” Or “No sir, I did not disembowel my co-worker with a rusty melon baller, I’m a Jew.”
Still, after all the reasons and the insanity, I found myself dating a half-Jew.
Part III: A Date
My date Sam was late, as was usual for her. There is no stereotype concerning Jews and punctuality.
I was waiting for her at my local bar in New York. Loudly proclaiming that I am a sex addict to my friend The Bartender. I heard a nearby laughter, and turned to see a very beautiful lady named Kim. I introduced myself, she pulled up a stool, and I bought her next round. We were a few drinks deep when I remembered that my date would be arriving any minute.
Sam and I were in a constant state of battle. Mostly because I am a horrid ass, and a pain to get along with. We had been seeing each other on-and-off for three months, and fighting through most of it. Upon arrival, Sam was quickly introduced to Kim, and we all sparked up a conversation.
The bar that night was playing host to a group of local New York firefighters for a bachelor party. These massive humans who looked like they could lift the foundation of the bar if properly inclined were throwing money at the bar as if they intended to buy everything in it. As the night progressed one of the more handsome gentleman walked over to where we were sitting leaned into my ear and asked “Is she with you?” referring to Kim. I quickly whispered back “No, she is all yours good sir, here have my seat,” before pausing a moment, reaching over again and whispering “Never forget.” The fireman was a little puzzled by all this, but humored my insane gesture of good will nonetheless.
As the night progressed, Sam and I moved to a different part of the bar, yet every time I would pass Kim and her gargantuan knight to get a drink, Kim would call me over to chat, and each time the knight looked visibly pissed. I kept telling him that I was not interested (I wasn’t) and peppering my responses with ample homage to 9/11 heroes “No, I swear, I have no interest at all. Thank you for your service.”
By the end of the night Kim had given me her phone number outside before hugging me in front of the flabbergasted fireman, and Sam was throwing up in the bathroom. I am not sure why Kim preferred me to the chiseled physique of an Adonis, but I apologized to the fireman, again letting him know that I respected everything he and his boys had done for us. He looked at me puzzled again before yelling out “I’m 22 you jackass, I was 10 when the towers fell!” and heading off back into the bar.
Sam and I broke up 2 days later for good, but I had an inkling that Kim might also be Jewish…