Prologue: Fuck this shit.
I can’t write. I mean, I can write, see I am writing, but I have no meaningful ideas to put down. Yes I am implying that what I typically write is somewhat meaningful, but take that with a grain of salt, because however worthless you thought those previous posts were, imagine being unable to write and forcing yourself through it anyways. The only apt metaphor I can come up with is constipation. Trying to push through my writing turd with the hope that once that first one drops, it will all flood out of me. So here goes.
It’s not that I don’t have an abundance of stories, hell I once accidently got peed on while performing oral sex. I KNOW! I feel like that entire experience can be written out in a three part miniseries, it’s just not flowing out of me as it usually does… pardon the pun. What’s the use? Every time I sit down at my laptop I get distracted by something shiny, the metaphor is not lost on me. The relationship I currently have with my blog very much mirrors every relationship I have ever been in. I am forever distracted by the shiny.
My weekend recap:
I should write about that recent date I was… Oh, new episodes of Doctor Who on Netflix? Well, maybe just two… Or perhaps till the Christmas special… I don’t know what people were talking about the seventh season was totally palatable… but then again I haven’t watched the first few season in forever maybe I should compare…
(10 hours later)
I should go outside to write. Then I won’t be distracted… It’s so beautiful out here, I don’t feel like writing about shitty dates. I know! I will write a letter to a friend. Or maybe I will write several emails, catch up on some correspondence.
(2 hours later)
I don’t even think I’ll send these three. Just throw them in the folder of writing I never send. Maybe I should get some ice cream. There is a relationship metaphor in there somewhere right? Shit, Ben & Jerry’s just changed the name of one of their flavors to attract attention to GMO labeling. Ugh, I know I shouldn’t ignite an internet flame war, but…
(3 hours later)
How fucking ignorant of science could you possibly be?! That dick had no idea that organics can use pesticides I totally won that argument and pwned that random internet stranger… but seriously back to the blog post when I get home.
(10 minutes later)
Hmmm… my porno website has a tab titled “shemale”… That does seem intriguing. I wonder…
(30 minutes later)
That WAS intriguing! Ok, enough bullshit. Go buy a bottle of whiskey sit down and write your blog post. It’s a fucking blog post – how hard can this be? Seriously, just man up.
(20 minutes later, exiting the liquor store)
“Please don’t break up with me.” She says through sobs, hanging up the phone as I walk by.
“Do you want a drink?” I gesture to the Central Kitchen.
“I’m not gonna sleep with you,” she states emphatically.
“Good to know, but I was offering a drink,” I reply with a smile, “Everyone could use a drink in these moments.”
“Okay.” She says, before composing herself and following me into the bar.
(45 minutes later)
“So he breaks up with me, even though I was the one that was unhappy. Can you believe that?”
“What’s your name?” she asks. “Sorry, I totally forgot to ask.”
“Tom.” It’s easier to pronounce than my actual name, and I really don’t feel like going through that song and dance tonight. “But I should get going, I have this deadline…”
“Ohhhhh, okay, but tell me this, why are all men dicks?”
“I don’t believe they −”
“Because I think it has to do with their mothers…” she begins before delving into another hour of conversation primarily themed around a psych class she took in college that apparently explains the ethos of an entire gender.
(1 hour later)
Alright! I am home! I will get some blogging done! Ugh, why is my apartment so messy? I should at least clean the kitchen. Oh, a text. She wants to meet up tonight? I guess… Eh, I can write it tomorrow…
It is currently 9pm on a Sunday and the blog post that I have unsuccessfully tried to write is sitting in the documents bin half-finished and entirely dull. I might get back to it eventually, but for now I am laying this massive turd on you. May it unclog the pipes and lead to better things down the road.
To be fair, I have had a pretty decent week. You see, I saw this Red Sox game…